Days after my panic attack I felt a sense of euphoria. I wanted to move forward and not feel stuck. In recent years, I have felt tied down by ropes that I allowed to wrap themselves around me. I always had excuses to not make a move. I was complacent and accepted that this was my life and compared to others it was not that bad. Deep inside my mind this was how it was supposed to be, a few good moments followed by difficult ones and endless routines I hated. After that one panic attack, which felt worse than others, everything opened within in me.
I cannot describe it . Somehow, I decided enough was enough. The next day I purged. I got rid of the old from my life. Looking back over this year, I have been slowly distancing myself from people and situations because I could not connect to them. In some way my mind was protecting me from negativity. My body and mind were preparing me for changes I could not see.
Beginning with my room, I got rid of clothes that did not feel like me anymore. I donated two bag loads of clothes and the rest I got rid of because no one would benefit from them. In this state, I cleaned and cleaned slowly I could feel my self feeling lighter. The clutter was suffocating me. Then again, as a woman, we do love having options when it comes to clothes. This time I decided to get rid of the options that have existed in my life and reach for others. After the cleaning, I sat down and applied for jobs. Slowly but surely the universe was responding. Call it divine intervention, but calls, emails were coming through and things that I wanted were suddenly within reach.
So why share this?
I know that many live with anxiety and depression as well as other mental illnesses. But whether you live with mental illness or not, it is up to us to take risks and make moves in our lives that will lead us to where we want to go. There is no need to settle. We are living on borrowed time, so why not make it a worthwhile. I am slowly adjusting to changes in my life. Changes I made based on the decisions to break the endless cycle of misery. In no way shape or form has this cured me. However, it had helped me move forward towards the life that I want and become the person I meant to be.
Share your moment of clarity below.